Palindrome
by Lindir
Summary: Haku takes back what is his and begins anew.
1. Severance

_Disclaimer: I am poor and do not own, therefore do not sue._

* * *

"Your full name is Kohaku." 

Wind seared my eyes as they widened, but I hardly noticed. I whispered the name—my name, savoring the feel of it on my lips, reveling in my newly completed identity. I couldn't believe that after a millennium in time, I had finally regained that piece of myself that Yu-Babaa had stolen from me.

And it felt wonderful. It was priceless to be whole again.

That heady feeling carried me through, back to the palace. I watched, glowing with pride and love, as Chihiro answered Yu-Babaa's question correctly, shattering her contract into nothingness. I heard the raucous cheers of all the bath house staff, but for all that racket it did not seem enough for this tiny girl whom I had saved so long ago, and who had returned the favor most amply.

I took her hand. "Come," I said, tugging. We ran back down those streets, past the bridge, to the edge of where the lake once was, and where the meadow was now.

For all her time in the spirit world, Chihiro never truly grasped its intricacies. "Oh!" she exclaimed, half in awe and half in delight. "There's no water!"

I was amused, but the lightness was slowly dissipating from me as I realized I must let go of her, she who was my only friend. "I must stop here," I said reluctantly, though I kept my voice level for her sake. Humans could be overwhelmed by emotions so easily—they had such short lives, and they experienced so little—and I did not want her to feel sorrow upon our parting. I had no qualms for suffering it myself. When you were a god, you lived countless lifetimes, and experienced all that flesh and spirit had to offer. "Follow the path that you did when you came, and you'll find your parents at the end."

"But what about you? What will become of you?"

I smiled. "I will go back to my own world. I'll go to Yu-Babaa, and ask to end my apprenticeship. I'll be fine now, that I know my own name."

She clasped my hand. "Will we meet again?"

"Of course!" I covered hers with my own. I was thousands of years older than her, but it was her that was reassuring me. There were few who had Chihiro's pluckiness and courageous reserve. She was a true friend and I was glad to know her. Yet I also knew once she left the meadow, she would not remember anything that transpired—and I feared losing her.

But I had faith in Chihiro. She had remembered who I was, despite my wholly different guise. She would find me again, if I did not find her first. In her eyes, I could see that same resolution that I felt in my heart, that we _would_ find each other, and that unspoken promise lit a flame of determination in my heart.

* * *

"Yu-Babaa," I said, in my most no-nonsense tone, "I wish an end to my apprenticeship." 

Immediately those eyes cut into me, and I almost even expected blood. Really, with Yu-Babaa, everything was a possibility, and nothing was unexpected.

There was no mistaking the power of her magic. But now, firmly entrenched with my own name, I was almost nauseated by her. How could I ever have accepted so subservient a role to a creature so spiteful, so short-sighted? How could I have forgotten my free-flowing nature as a river spirit so quickly? How had I become so entrapped?

She studied me for a long moment, with something akin to resignation. "I knew you would," she said at last. I was taken aback at her level tone. I was prepared stand strong in the face of her ranting and raving. I was prepared to have objects hurled at my head. I was prepared for anything but this.

My surprise must have shown on my face, for she gave a bitter chuckle and shook her head. "Boy, do you think I didn't guess what would happen when you regained your name? Why do you think I didn't want Sen here?"

"She was human," I replied evenly, but my mind was whirling with confusion. "Her presence was a stink among the gods."

"So it may be, but really it was my staff that objected the most to her. I've hired humans before, and far more willingly. But that slip of a girl was a link to your past, and I knew it the moment she set foot past the bridge. I could feel something binding you to her, and she to you."

"You knew all this time?"

"Of course!" she snapped. "What kind of a fool do you take me for? Magic is dangerous, Haku. Every contract has a certain risk. If I had laid one spell wrong, you would have been obliterated!"

I could feel my hackles rising. "I'd rather have been obliterated than served as Haku."

"The contract isn't broken yet, boy. Your name is still Haku."

"You took my name," I said venomously. Anger suddenly broke and rushed over me like a tidal wave, flooding my senses until everything was tinged red. "You took a part of me. You violated me. You used me for whatever suited your purpose, and then disposed of me when I was worn out. I wasn't your apprentice. I was your _slave_!" My voice rose to a near scream.

"Stop your caterwauling, boy. I'm no kind soul, and I wanted you as a servant." She glared at me distastefully. "You had power and potential, and I wanted it. Of course I took your name. I had to. Really, Haku, what did you expect?"

That did it.

"My name is Kohaku," I said softly, menacingly.

I took a step towards her. She paid me no heed.

"My name is Kohaku."

Now she was looking up from her desk, and in her eyes I read uncertainty, but no fear, not yet.

She deserved to have fear instilled in her.

She had stolen my name.

"My name is Kohaku." The anger was turning into rage, building and growing inside me, awakening power in me that I didn't know I had. Power that had been locked away with my name.

"My name is Kohaku!"

The room began to shake. Pillows and pens tumbled. Wind collected and howled around me as I began to glow blue. I trembled like a leaf as a thousand different feelings coursed through my veins, igniting the magic like a flame thrown upon oil. From the center of my being it spread like a ripple in a lake until I could feel its tendrils at my fingertips, barely obedient and eager as a bloodhound awaiting its master's command.

"My name is Kohaku. I am the spirit of the Kohaku river! Kohaku! Kohaku!"

The contract in Yu Babaa's hands shattered into nothingness.

* * *

My rage did not fade easily. Yu-Babaa was shaking as I stormed up to her desk and slammed a hand on it. I could see fear in her eyes now. And suddenly admist all my anger, I felt shame. Shame for wanting to inflict pain on another, to be as spiteful and petty as she was. I was no better, was I? 

But I could not forget the deadness of my time here. I could not forget my anger.

Slowly, I removed my hand from the desk. I waited until she had managed to cease her trembling and looked up. She froze when she saw my gaze. I was told long ago that my eyes could turn any who looked into them into ice, figuratively speaking, and I could only guess that was what Yu-Babaa saw.

I spared her only a measured glance. "Her name," I said calmly, bitingly, "is Chihiro."

I turned sharply upon my heel and strode through those ornate doors one last time. I would never, _ever_ return.

But I could never, ever forget.

* * *

_A/N: I do intend to continue this piece, but I think it works as a standalone too. _

_AP, my lovely beta reader, I'm sorry I didn't send it to you beforehand, but you know how impatient I get about posting._

_As always, I appreciate constructive feedback and criticism, as I am always looking to improve my writing._

* * *


	2. The Importance of a Name

* * *

**The Importance of a Name**

_Kohaku actually leaves and begins again._

And as usual, I own nothing. Therefore, do not sue.

* * *

It all sounded so much easier in my head. I would ask for an end to my apprenticeship, and leave. Unfortunately, I had failed to think ahead. Yes, I could leave. But where would I return to? My spirit had been forced from its home when the river was dried; wandering aimlessly had led me to Yu-Babaa's clutches. I certainly didn't want that to happen again.

And I had nothing. Not even a change of clothes. Not a scrap of money.

I shrugged to myself as I went to the kitchen. Destitution was nothing new to me. I wasn't exactly a powerful spirit before, and those who frequented my waters and paid homage to me weren't wealthy either. A god and his subjects had a symbiotic relationship—the more wealthy or generous his followers, the more powerful the god; the more powerful the god, the more his followers were rewarded.

Everyone in the bathhouse hated and feared me, and they took the opportunity of my resignation as reason to jeer and abuse me. It was a strange viciousness, though. There was long-buried hatred just now being released, along with those who spat on me just to gain Yu-Babaa's favor. I curled my lips in disdain, though I said nothing. No wonder Kaonashi had turned into a raving madhouse in here. The greed and pure ill will was explicit and tangible.

I said goodbye to Kamajii, who gave me a shirt and a pair of pants, and stepped outside the doors. They clanged shut behind me.

I took a deep, long breath, turning my face towards the sun. It was a beautiful day.

Yu Babaa's training had kept me inside for much of the time, and I didn't realize until now how much I had missed sunshine. I examined one of my hands and noted how much paler I was than when I was a river spirit. The only time I had ever seen the sun was when I had been a dragon.

The last time I had been a dragon was when I stole Zeniba's seal.

My eyes sharpened thoughtfully as I looked at the train tracks. Perhaps Zeniba would know what to do. I didn't have a ticket to ride the train, but I didn't need one. I could fly, and I knew the way to Zeniba's cottage. I had already been there twice before.

* * *

Zeniba's lantern was waiting outside for me, a shining beacon in the darkened night. Kaonashi turned his face in my direction as I entered, a wordless greeting lifting from his lips to my ear. Zeniba stood in front of her stove a few feet away, watching the soup simmer and bubble.

"I wondered when you'd be coming again," she said to me, not raising her eyes. "Kohaku."

I smiled slightly. "You knew?"

"When Chihiro destroyed the little spy inside of you, I knew that there would be nothing holding you back from leaving my sister's service. She keeps people under her thumb by force or by fear."

I raised an eyebrow, curious. "Were you so sure of my character then?"

"Yes," she replied. "Even if you were a despicable character, you had too much power to be her puppet for long."

"I'm despicable?"

She laughed. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I meant was, no matter what kind of person you were, you weren't going to stay."

"Huh." I sat down with a thunk, suddenly tired out from my long flight. "Was I really all that powerful?" I certainly had never felt it.

"You always were. But you're a young god and still growing, without experience and soft inside. It was easy for an old crone like my sister to take advantage of you, especially when you were so upset by the loss of your river." She carefully moved the pot off of the fire and turned to me. "You have tremendous potential. And I'm sure Yu-Babaa told you as much."

I snorted inelegantly. "Hardly so. But Zeniba, why wasn't I able to detect it before this? Couldn't I have broken free?"

"Perhaps, if you had access to them. But they didn't want to be tainted and thus hid themselves deep within your soul, and locked themselves with the only thing that could set you free."

"My name."

"Yes, and that is why you felt that tremendous surge of energy when Chihiro told you your name. Why you were able to fly without your dragon form. Why it took half as long to get here today than all the other times. Don't you feel more complete now than you did all those years before?" I nodded. Zeniba smiled. "That is because you've regained the part of yourself my sister stole. In addition to your name, you've regained all of your own powers."

I flexed my fingers cautiously, testing them. "Are you sure, Zeniba?" My question was two-fold—I wanted to make sure I had regained my strength, and I wanted to make sure that Yu-Babaa had not left her despicable handprint on them.

"Yes. I can see your magic within you, and it is still pure. It's beautiful, and a very rare quality these days."

I was quiet as I digested her words. "So…everything I did under Yu-Babaa…"

"Was using her magic, and none of yours. You were too pure for her to taint, and so she forcibly controlled you." She set a bowl in front of me and patted my shoulder. "Stop blaming yourself already. Nobody is doing it except you."

"And half of that bathhouse."

"Hardly people you want to associate with anyway, isn't that right? They're greedy, short-sighted, stupid even. None of them have the ability to survive on their own or the courage to leave behind familiarity. I told you my sister recruits certain people only because those are the people she can contain." She tugged my hair affectionately. "You're an exception, of course. I can't tell you where to go or what to do, but have faith in yourself. You'll get there."

I smiled at her. "Thank you, Zeniba." It was nice to have someone actually believe in me.

"Stay as long as you'd like, and come back whenever you want. You're always welcome," she added, going over to examine the thread Kaonashi was spinning. "Oh, that's very good," she exclaimed. "Nice and even. I'll be able to make lovely sheets with this. But it's time for dinner, dear, so let's stop for today."

Dinner was a pleasant affair, affable and casual, with none of the pomp and all of the warmth that a family ought to have. I relaxed in their company, and pondered my next course of action. Zeniba had helped sort out my past, but she had left the future wide open. What I did with it, as she said, was up to me.

But regardless, it was a good beginning.

* * *

I forgot to mention it before, but I'm definitely not done with this story! I know how it'll end but I don't know the parts in between, so bear with me as I try to both finish the story and study for some big upcoming tests.

As usual, comments and feedback greatly appreciated. I'm very very veeerrry slowly getting back into the hang of things, so forgive me if my writing is off.

* * *


	3. The River God

* * *

**The River God**

_No own, no sue. Thank you._

* * *

We gods don't really see time the same way mortals see it. I suppose, then, it would have been about seven days since I left Zeniba's place to find my own way. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and continued to trudge along, kicking up dust as I went. It would have been faster to fly, but since I didn't know where I was going, speed wasn't an issue.

I had ventured out of the spirit pocket into the mortal world about four days ago, but I had kept myself discreet and unnoticeable. I didn't want to meet anyone; I didn't want to talk; I certainly didn't want to get into any fights. I took after the majority of my kind—peaceable, tranquil, and tolerant, unless something roused our ire. My little temper tantrum at Yu-Babaa's was a mild example of that.

To amuse myself, I studied the passing mortals. They looked all alike at first, with two of everything (except mouths, for which I was grateful since the constant chatter nearly drove me crazy the first couple days), hair of decidedly muted colors, skin that varied only on a limited spectrum. I actually grew rather bored at first.

But upon closer examination, I realized that they were as unique and diverse as the gods, just on a far more subtle scale. Some had wide faces, other thin, still others heart-shaped, and a rare one who was missing an eye or an ear, or had a break in their lip, or even without a limb. I was always fascinated by this loss of symmetry, though the humans around me seemed to think of it as a curse. I didn't bother correcting their assumptions. Angels and demons were all gods in the end, and if they thought asymmetry was the mark of a demon—well, they weren't too far from the truth. Most gods detested sameness. They liked being flashy, bright, unique, and as different from each other as possible. It was sort of a weird competition.

I shrugged my shoulders whenever presented with such an inane rivalry. I liked how I looked. I had no reason to make myself into something I was not. It was, again, another characteristic of my kindred—that of the one-way flow, of stubbornness, of linearity.

It was on this path that I met the river god.

* * *

"I remember you," he rumbled with a smile. The water around him shivered as he spoke. "You were in that spa I went to, to get cleaned up."

I blinked. "You were at Yu-Babaa's place?"

"Yu-Babaa's sento, yes, that was where I was." He leaned forward on his elbows, his lower half still submerged. The riverbank was like his desk. "The humans around me had gotten very messy, and had thrown all sorts of things into my waters. I tried very hard to pick it all up and flush it away, but in the end they stuck on me—parasites, if you will." He chuckled, a deep, resonant sound. "Nothing I hate more than pollution."

I smiled wryly. "I can imagine."

"You're a river spirit too, aren't you?"

I nodded. "I used to be, anyway. My river was dammed up. The ningens needed a place to live, so they took all my water away and built houses over it instead. People didn't come anymore, and I had to leave."

The river god looked at me thoughtfully. "I'd expect you to be more bitter about it, but you're not at all, are you?"

"Not particularly. I used to be. But there's no sense in blaming them for something that's already done."

"Ah. Spoken like a true river spirit, letting time wash away all of the griefs and pains." He shifted, mud squelching from somewhere. I wasn't sure I wanted to look. "Where are you going now?"

I shrugged. "I don't know." I paused, not sure how much to say. "I…decided to end my apprenticeship with Yu-Babaa, and since I have no home and no patrons, I thought I would just wander for a bit. Maybe I could find someplace uninhabited and start all over again."

His eyes were kindly and probing, without the pity I thought I'd see. "That would be difficult, child. The human world is not the only one becoming crowded. There are more gods now, and the new ones are much more greedy. You will be hard pressed to find a new home."

I nodded. I had expected as much; gods did not die and did not like to move, and the mortal world was finite. That didn't mean that we were being pushed out. Where I was once a river spirit, there were now multiple little garden gnomes, and perhaps a few tree spirits.

"But…" and he looked thoughtful. "Hmm. Well, I'm not sure you'd like to jump from one apprenticeship to another, but I would like some help here. They started diverting smaller rivers into mine, you see, and my river grew larger. I have a lot more water, but a lot more work and troubles, too. That's why I had to go to the sento, you see. I wasn't prepared at first, and it caught me by surprise." He peered down at me, bushy eyebrows raised in question.

I deliberated for a moment. He was right; I was rather cautious about accepting another internship so soon, especially as I had been taken advantage of in my previous position. On the other hand, this river spirit was a famous one, and if I was to accept an apprenticeship, there would be few better. "I'm interested. But I won't sign a contract."

"Of course not." The river god looked taken aback at the suggestion; for a moment, I thought I had offended him. "What would I take from you as binding collateral, anyway?"

I opened my mouth to respond, then clamped it shut. I was beginning to suspect that Yu-Babaa's way of doing things was more exception than rule. "Never mind. What would I do, as your apprentice?"

The river god frowned thoughtfully. "Well…I'm not too sure, you see. Being a good river spirit isn't something that everyone can do. I can't just put it down in writing, because, well, it's not all the things you do that make a good job." He spread his arms out. "I can show you. I can't lecture you, but I'll show you." He smiled down at me wryly. "Eloquence was never my strong point. But if you've got nowhere to go, why not spend some time with this old man?"

I had rather begun to like him. He was so different from Yu-Babaa—giant where she was small, streamlined where she was squat, and kind eyes that glimmered with wisdom beneath the surface. There was not an ounce of pretension about him, yet he exuded power all the same—gentle, benevolent, but undeniably impressive.

What did I have to lose?

He was still patiently awaiting my reply. I smiled back at him. "Why not, indeed?"

And that was how I became the river god's apprentice.

* * *

"Life flows through a river," Jinzu explained. "As a result, even the smallest river gods have a responsibility to be dutiful and to keep their waters clean. Many of the mortal and the spirit world depend on us to do our jobs."

He gesture towards the humans on the riverbank, who were happily enjoying a picnic. One of the children, still in the infantile stage, ran along the river edge, giggling and towing a brightly colored kite behind him.

"What would happen," he continued, "If my banks became filled with trash? What if my water was no longer clean enough for them to swim in? That child would get sick and he would stop coming here. His parents would tell other parents. And nobody would come to frolic at my shores anymore. This river would become desolate and neglected." He turned to me. "I meet many gods now who are greedy, who count their patrons and their wealth, and who seek only to gain more. That is a dead end cycle," he said, shaking his head. "They seek only short-term success."

I thought of Yu-Babaa, and how she had thought of the gold instead of Boh. "What becomes of such gods, then?"

"Destruction, ruin, unhappiness." Jinzu listed them crisply and offhandedly, as if it was an everyday occurrence. Perhaps to him it was; he had been around for far longer than me. He must have seen many gods rise and fall while he remained standing. "That's what happens when you think only of yourself, though it doesn't always happen right away. Sometimes it takes centuries." He turned around to face me. "Ring a bell with anyone you've met before?"

I smiled wryly. "Somewhat."

He chuckled. "You're being too kind. That whole sento reeked of such sentiment. I was glad to get out. I was physically clean but if I had stayed there any longer, I might have been dealt mental tarnish."

"You have no idea," I muttered, remembering how distant I was while I was there. It had a tendency to suck your life right out of you faster than Kaonashi could suck down food.

Jinzu laughed, but let the matter drop. "Of course, I do not keep watch over all my waters simply by myself. As I have said, we are responsible for many other livelihoods, including others of the spirit world. They share the responsibility with me." He beckoned to me. "Come meet them."

The first river residents I met were a trio of dryads who lived on the shores. I had seen only a few dryads before in my life, and I couldn't help but stare at them. They were beautiful wood spirits, lithe and lively, and overflowing with joy now that spring was here and summer fast approaching. Before Jinzu even called their names they had run to the shores and were awaiting his arrival.

"Oji-sama!" they called, laughing and spinning around gaily. No doubt the warm weather was like an aphrodisiac to them.

"Hanako, Aoi, Samaji," he greeted them fondly. "My lovely ladies, how have you been?"

"Wonderful!" the leftmost one exclaimed. She was the least mature dryad, still bearing traces of her leaves and wood when she manifested into a spiritual being. Somehow I got the picture of a little blond girl who loved to wear pink and nothing but pink. She giggled and latched onto Jinzu's arm. "Oji-sama, you should come by more often! Hana-chan has missed you!"

"Really, Hanako," sighed a slim girl with ivory skin and dark hair. "Jinzu-sama has better things to do than entertain you all day."

"Let her be," her companion reprimanded her without rancor. "After all, she won't be a child forever, and Jinzu-sama understands, do you not?" She smiled up at him.

Jinzu smiled back. "Of course. What would I do without my lovely Hanako to tell me the latest news?" I coughed, trying not to laugh at the sight of Hanako attached to Jinzu's arm like a barnacle to a ship's hull, and was only partially successful. Jinzu, though, did not seem to mind my amusement.

"I have a double agenda today, my ladies. I took on a new apprentice this week. This is Kohaku."

I bowed. "Hajimemashite."

"Kohaku, these three ladies are dryads who help me watch over the river. Aoi—" and he pointed towards the pale girl, "Samaji—" the woman dressed in a pink and blue kimono executed a graceful bow, "—and of course, Hanako," he finished, indicating the little girl on his arm. He lowered his arm so that Hanako was nose to nose with me, and I suddenly found myself staring into big blue eyes.

She was staring at me, too, a bit frightened but bursting at the seams with curiosity. She cautiously reached out and poked me in the cheek, just once, like a cat experimentally batting a foreign object.

I was at a loss at how to react, staring back at her and absently rubbing the red spot where she had poked (and poked hard).

Aoi's distinctive voice rang out. "Hanako-chan!!" The elder girl swiftly but not roughly pulled Hanako off of Jinzu's arm. As Hanako scampered off dance around Samaji, who favored her with a matronly smile, Aoi shocked me by bowing to me. "Forgive her, Kohaku-sama. She is young and does not know yet where respect is due." She cast an exasperated glance up at Jinzu, who winked and grinned back. Aoi only sighed. "Even to Jinzu-sama, though he does not do much to encourage it anyway."

I waved my hands, extremely uncomfortable at such deferential behavior. "Maa-maa…as you said, she's only a child. I don't really care about things like that." Seeing her about to bow again, I added hastily, "And please don't bow to me, and don't call me Kohaku-sama! I'm just learning under Jinzu like everyone else."

Aoi straightened at once, and regarded me with a clear dark gaze. It was piercing but not invasive, seeking but not demanding answers. "Well. If you are not a river god, then you certainly act like one."

Jinzu laughed out loud. "Your instincts are correct, Aoi. Since Samaji is occupied with Hanako, will you be the one to inform me of the weekly report?"

* * *

Later that night, I stared up at the sky, absentmindedly counting stars while I tried to quiet the whirling of my mind. Jinzu had said he couldn't teach me, but he could show me, implying that any learning would be proactive on my part. I considered review to be a vital part of that process.

Aoi had crisply listed all the things that had happened and her suggestions on how to deal with it. The water was rising fast this year and she was concerned on how it might erode the soil near Samaji, who was closest to the bank. Hanako was growing well and was expected to shed her dryad form by the end of the year. As for Aoi herself, she simply dismissed herself as doing "just fine."

Aoi, Samaji, and Hanako weren't the only spirits Jinzu and I had called on that day. There were many more dryads and flower spirits that Jinzu had asked for news, the sakana-ou, who presided over all the fish in the river, and the sparrow who acted as the avian emissary. She had brought news of coming migrations, though she spoke so fast I could hardly understand a word she cheeped. Jinzu hadn't batted an eyelash while I concentrated so hard I almost crossed my eyes.

I had expected that he would have quite a bit more work than I had before simply because his river was much bigger, but I hadn't expected all the politics and alliances and partnerships that he had forged. It was a different kind of work than what I had done before, where I had kept to myself and let the world hum around me.

I closed my eyes, finally feeling myself start to relax a bit. If there was one thing that hadn't changed, it was that being a river god was a lot of work.

* * *

_A/N: I'm having fun with the three new characters, and I'll indulge in them a little more next time around. Aoi is a white rose bush, Hanako a very young sakura tree, and Samaji a fully mature sakura tree. In terms of age, Hanako Aoi Samaji.  
_

_Jinzu is a real river in Japan. I don't really know if there's sakura trees or rose bushes on the banks._

_Hajimemashite: Nice to meet you_

_Sakana-ou means fish king. I don't speak Japanese, so I don't know if that's correct or not. _

_Chihiro will show up eventually, but it won't be a romantic liason. Hayao Miyazaki himself states that Chihiro does not remember anything that happened once she left the spirit world. As such, she shouldn't really remember Kohaku beyond a vague familiarity. Sorry, Chihiro/Haku shippers; but I'm not a great romantic writer anyway, so you're not missing much._

_Lastly, thank you all for reading! Feel free to review or point out inconsistencies, as I like to fill in story holes. I'm already planning the next chapter. _

_-Lindir_

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